ISO how to help the caregiver

[GotGarlic]

Hi, guys. I have some pretty severe chronic medical problems. DH has been amazingly supportive and helpful, but I think he's starting to experience some burnout.

Last night, I fell as I was getting ready to leave for a class. My foot hurt, but not too bad. By the time I got home, I couldn't walk on it. He's at a meeting now, but will be home in a while to take me to urgent care for an x-ray. As he was leaving, he saw one of my tires is flat and we'll have a high in the 30s today. Argh.

Any advice on what I can do to help relieve his frustration?

 

[vitauta]

so sorry to hear that medical problems continue to plague you, gg, and are making your life more difficult. i can feel your frustration through your post, gg. would you provide some specifics regarding your current health issues, and in what way you think dh is becoming discouraged by the situation? hugs and good wishes coming your way.

 

[Alix]

Encouraging self care isn't easy. Sometimes all it takes to help is a simple touch or hug though. If you're not too mobile that might be all you can manage.

I sometimes sit with my DH lying in my lap and stroke his head. I keep his hair in a short buzz cut so I love to rub that fuzz and he loves the head rub. Win win. Something like that work for you GG?

 

[GotGarlic]

V, I fell twice in December because of neuropathy in my feet and legs, so he worries a lot when he's not home. I also had a transfusion in Dec. - he spent half a day with me in the ER, then brought me coffee and the paper the next morning, and came back later to take me home. and I have general weakness and fatigue from other issues.

He takes a lot of time off work to take me to doctor appts and ends up doing lots of chores around the house that I can't do. We also have an elderly dog who has been to the emergency vet twice in the last month.

He was unusually irritable last night, because he was working on an overdue report from work, had some minor computer problems, and was wondering whether to take me to the ER last night or wait till today.

Alex, I'll try that.

 

[jabbur]

I don't know your finances but would it be possible to get someone in to do the chores you can't manage so he doesn't have to that? Even if it's just someone to clean up once in a while may make it easier for him.

 

[Cerise]

Check with your insurance company, & see if you qualify for in-home care etc. After my surgery (unbeknownst to me), I qualified for an in-home nurse to change the dressing/bandages, etc. A doctor's report/request is important. There is a company here called Access Paratransit to take you to Dr's appointments, etc - if you qualify.

 

[Kayelle]

gg, it's a sign of your good character for you to be more concerned for him than for yourself. Many of those of us who are untested hope we would be so generous. My husband was married before me to someone who was brain injured 15 yrs before her death. I know what he went through in caring for her, although he says he would do it all again. Needless to say I hope that never happens. I think if you continue to show how much you appreciate all he does, there's really nothing more you can do unless you can afford some outside help. Sending you a sincere and gentle hug.

 

[kadesma]

GG,
I've fallen a total of 3 times the last time I broke my right arm. The doctor who saw me said it was NOT broken. I spent a total of months in the hospital starting thanksgiving night til the 1st of Feb. Missed christmas,my birthday,our anniversary and new year. what a mess since then DH has waited on me hand and foot. He wouldnt even let me drive. How about getting a walker so you can get around. I don't need mine now but it came in handy. I have a cane don't use it now, a railing on the side of my bed so I don't fall. Fell sitting at my computer in the dark and did a job on my ribs and shoulders.
See No walking or using the computer in the dark. Poor DH comes running when he hears a thud now but I am so much better. I bake,cook Ma's Sundays, go watch my grand kids soccar games. boy am I happy. I had to learn to walk again with therapy but I did it. Neuropathy is no fun so far I've escaped that business. If you need to talk or ask questions. PM me I'll be happy to chat.
kades

 

[MrsLMB]

Oh GG you are so lucky to have someone like him. I think all of the suggestions here are very good ones.

Do the little things you are able to do that show him how much you appreciate the help, console him when he's stressed and worried.

Sometimes a simple hug and I Love You and Thank You can lift the spirits and make all the difference in the world for the person caring for you.

Hugs and good happy thoughts to both of you

 

[GotGarlic]

I gave him a nice neck rub while we were waiting for the doctor. That seemed to help Thanks for the great ideas and kind words. I have some strained ligaments and a loverly new "shoe," so it's not as bad as we feared. I can get around more easily now.

I'll look into help through the insurance company and the local transportation company. I also told DH I'm going to ask friends for help. He's resisted that before but this time he agreed, so that's good.

Thanks again. You all are great

 

[Dawgluver]

{{{{{GG}}}}}. Good advice here.

 

[love2"Q"]

Hope it works out GG... If you need someone to clean or do chores i know a couple people that are very reasonable.. and in our area..

 

[GotGarlic]

Thanks, Q! I think I was overreacting a little yesterday. I was envisioning having broken bones in my foot and being on crutches and unable to drive, but I'm feeling much better today. The swelling in my foot has gone down and it's much easier to get around.

It's easier for him once the weather gets better, too. He goes cycling whenever he can and during the season, golfs on Fridays with a few friends, so that gets him out and doing fun things. In fact, they went last Sunday - we had an unusual sunny day with a high around 70.

Thanks again I really appreciate the suggestions and support.

 

[vitauta]

oftentimes our imaginations can take us on treacherous rides to frightful places that none of us goes willingly. but there's no use in saying you don't wish to go... thankfully, these trips almost always come prepackaged with happy, relief-filled endings. until the next time, that is....
so good to hear you are feeling better, gg! it makes the world look a whole lot brighter, doesn't it? you and dh seem to make a good team together. how nice for both of you that is....

 

[Addie]

Has DH ever said "I love you" out of the clear blue and you went on a high that carried you around for days? Well it works in reverse also. Tell him as he is walking across the room to do something for himself. Those three little words have so much power. When you are watching television together, offer to give him a back rub or neck rub to relieve his muscle tension. Share some of the jokes from "Today's Funny."

See if you qualify for a homemaker. Neuropathy is no joke. I have it also. When I go to stand I have to wait a few seconds to make sure I can stand on my leg. Took me a long time to remember to do that. Also try to arrange your home in such a way that everyday items are close at hand. Less walking for you. Contact your Elderly Services in your area and see what is available to you. A lot of them even have volunteers that will drive you to and from your appointments or take you shopping free of charge.

I have arranged my furniture so that I have something to lean on if necessary. It is not the prettiest apartment in the building, but I feel safe. I have a high foot stool near my bed in case when I stand up and take a step or two, I can sit immediately if I feel dizzy. It is in the way of everyone else, but not for me. I have a galley kitchen. No matter which way I may feel the need, I can lean against the counter without taking a step.

Learn what your limitation really are. Then learn to live within them. Ask for help only when you really feel like you need it. My two biggest bugaboos are dusting and vacuuming. Spike does the vacuuming for me. I try to dust as I come across it. Most imporatantly of all, TAKE YOUR TIME. Like me you can no longer rush through a job.

And like another suggestion, look into getting a walker. There are residents in this building that when you look at their walkling with one, you would think it was an act. But they feel safer with it. I say, Go for it! When I go to the hospital for my appointments, there are patients galore who just carry their canes. They don't use them. But they feel safe just knowing that they have it with them if they should need to. Feeling safe is half of the battle. You can accomplish so much more if you feel safe in your activites. And don't forget those three words. I Love You!