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Old 06-28-2008, 12:13 PM   #2951
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I don't know what I am going to do about it yet. She says she has grown to love me, but I don't know that I can trust that or her. On the one hand I want to be more than just the alternative to being alone, on the other hand I still love her even if she can't return it the same way.
I go to therapy once every two weeks, the best they can manage with my insurance, but that is for depression and cutting. We did go to counseling for a couple of months last year before money and scheduling stopped that.
Two things the counselor pointed out was that her anger was there long before I came along, and starts with her perception that her parents are selfish and ruined her chances at getting a good start on life. I know they picked favorites and her sister won. I also know they say she was extremely difficult to manage and prone to fits of anger.
The second thing is that she has not decided what 'type' of man she wants. A nice guy or a bad boy. Sometimes she is happy with the nice guy, sometimes she wants to go hang out with the bad boys.
The problem with that, as determined by the counselor, lies with her definition of a bad boy. The kind of bad boys she knows are the ones that use women, are selfish, controlling, and prone to arguing and fighting. Nice guys are wimps that can't stand up for themselves and are not real men.
Where I grew up nice guys were the real men, bad boys were childish womanizers. Nice guys stand up for themselves, but don't start fights. They don't use women they respect them, they take care of their families, they don't stray, and they were raised with manners and to treat their wives as ladies. They have an active role in raising their kids and backing their wives up so the wives do not feel 'alone' when it comes to taking care of the house and kids.
She does not see these things as 'manly' and therefore has no respect for me. But if I try to be more like what she thinks I should be like, she just says I am a bully, rude, mean, and controlling. I can't win.
I have to get myself back on my feet health wise before I do anything else. Right now she has power over my SSD, it is not in my name, so if I were to leave she would still have control of all the money. And there are the kids. Katies is 10 and wants out, Mitch is 7 and just wants his mom to spend more time with him, Abby is 3 and wants both parents there for her.
It is confusing, I just have to think for awhile about what I am going to do. This is not the first revelation from her, she has slowly been sharing her secrets for the last four years, about one every six months. If I knew last year (when I found out about her affair) what she just told me, I think I would have left then right on the spot.
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Old 06-28-2008, 12:15 PM   #2952
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Maverick, four years into my first marriage my ex told me he didn't love me and probably never did and never would. He had been emotionally abusive to me as your W (can't bring my self to put the D on that) has been to you but I held on because I had promised in front of God to love, honour and cherish. This was a really difficult blow, but I soon realized it was also an incredible release because I could stop loving him and when I did the hurt got less and I got stronger, emotionally, physically and spiritually. We stayed together one year after that before circumstances (that I pm'd you previously about) caused me to flee.

Maybe this is what you need to break free emotionally. You have your kids and their love and that is something amazing.

I will be praying for you my friend. PM if you want to talk.
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Old 06-28-2008, 12:24 PM   #2953
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No words Mavrick...just hugs from across the miles. I hurt for you.
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Old 06-28-2008, 12:45 PM   #2954
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I'm so sorry, Maverick. It breaks my heart to think anyone could say such things to their spouse! I hope you are able to make a decision that works for you about what to do. I'm glad you are taking your children into consideration in this. At least you know that you have their love and you deserve it.
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Old 06-28-2008, 01:55 PM   #2955
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Mav, I'm so sorry to hear how hurt you are. No one else can know exactly what is between 2 people but those 2 however, I think your wife is using you to dump on. I've known people who would say very ugly and hurtful things just to get the reaction. It makes them feel powerful and important. Not a good thing.

The only advice I can give you that I absolutely know to be true is that you cannot change another person. You can only change yourself. Now is the time for you to take charge of your life and your happiness. True happiness cannot depend upon another person. It must be your own, irrespective of your current circumstances.

Some things you could do are taking a good long look at yourself and write down your strengths. You are warm, witty, a good and loving father, very intelligent with strong computer skills.... the list I'm sure would be quite long. Stop focusing on the things you can't change, like how your wife feels or acts. Even your health you can improve to some extent through diet and exercise, etc.

Then make a plan of action and work it. First off, go down to Social Security and get your SSI checks in your name. It doesn't mean you have to leave, just that you could if you chose to.

Begin pursuing things that interest you and would benefit you. You could start volunteering an hour or 2 a week at a local shelter or a training for the handicapped facility. Your computer skills are valuable and you could help others learn the basics so they could better themselves. Your kids are even welcome at many places where you volunteer. My kids have always gone with me. Service to others always helps me when things in my own life are bad - it helps put things in perspective and there is a certain camaraderie with people who are also going through a rough patch. Plus, you'd be shocked at how often that sort of thing leads to some part-time work. Work that you could maybe do from home.

I know with SSI you can work a few hours a day without it messing up your benefits. This can help you feel more powerful in your life, bring you in contact with other people, and help you to realize how much you have to offer the world. You are a great guy - with or without your wife. You need to know that so that if you find your marriage doesn't survive, you won't be completely at a loss for how to go on.

Good luck and keep your friends here up on how you are getting through this.
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Old 06-28-2008, 02:13 PM   #2956
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I'm sorry Mav, I wish I knew what to say....
rather, I can't say what I wanna here!!!!!
So, you are a good guy, if she prefers to be treated badly, let her find someone to her liking. You can find a way out.
Oh, and baking a CHERRY PIE helps too. :)
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Old 06-28-2008, 02:17 PM   #2957
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Maverick2272 View Post
I don't know what I am going to do about it yet. She says she has grown to love me, but I don't know that I can trust that or her. On the one hand I want to be more than just the alternative to being alone, on the other hand I still love her even if she can't return it the same way.
I go to therapy once every two weeks, the best they can manage with my insurance, but that is for depression and cutting. We did go to counseling for a couple of months last year before money and scheduling stopped that.
Two things the counselor pointed out was that her anger was there long before I came along, and starts with her perception that her parents are selfish and ruined her chances at getting a good start on life. I know they picked favorites and her sister won. I also know they say she was extremely difficult to manage and prone to fits of anger.
The second thing is that she has not decided what 'type' of man she wants. A nice guy or a bad boy. Sometimes she is happy with the nice guy, sometimes she wants to go hang out with the bad boys.
The problem with that, as determined by the counselor, lies with her definition of a bad boy. The kind of bad boys she knows are the ones that use women, are selfish, controlling, and prone to arguing and fighting. Nice guys are wimps that can't stand up for themselves and are not real men.
Where I grew up nice guys were the real men, bad boys were childish womanizers. Nice guys stand up for themselves, but don't start fights. They don't use women they respect them, they take care of their families, they don't stray, and they were raised with manners and to treat their wives as ladies. They have an active role in raising their kids and backing their wives up so the wives do not feel 'alone' when it comes to taking care of the house and kids.
She does not see these things as 'manly' and therefore has no respect for me. But if I try to be more like what she thinks I should be like, she just says I am a bully, rude, mean, and controlling. I can't win.
I have to get myself back on my feet health wise before I do anything else. Right now she has power over my SSD, it is not in my name, so if I were to leave she would still have control of all the money. And there are the kids. Katies is 10 and wants out, Mitch is 7 and just wants his mom to spend more time with him, Abby is 3 and wants both parents there for her.
It is confusing, I just have to think for awhile about what I am going to do. This is not the first revelation from her, she has slowly been sharing her secrets for the last four years, about one every six months. If I knew last year (when I found out about her affair) what she just told me, I think I would have left then right on the spot.
please, Maverick, reread what you have just posted later on in the day.......you have had an emotional release written down and your pain is so palpable as all get out as to what the problems are in your marriage, what probably caused them, your fears for being left alone and what your children are going thru and their emotional needs.... are definitely a factor in still wanting to make this relationship work... you have much on your plate and your many responsibilities and what you're trying to do to keep it all in focus for your family......you are the shining knight on the white horse....most women out there who would appreciate a caring, selfless, employed, hard-working guy to be their husbands and or soulmates........your wife definitely has some issues....it's the toll on your health that concerns me the most as your kids need you given their ages.....I thought they were older........anyway please hang in there and if you want to pm me please do...but do reread your post later.........
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Old 06-28-2008, 02:20 PM   #2958
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Jonesing for some cherries again are ya?? LOL. I have whole wheat bread going right now ;)

I am going to try and get us back into marriage counseling again. I think she does have to make a choice as to what she wants, and I will just have to give her some time to make that choice. And if she continues to just want a 'safety blanket' waiting at home while she goes out and takes risks, well I am no safety blanket so I will just have to set her free to go get treated like a cheap piece of meat. Why anyone would want that is beyond me.
It is the best I can come up with right now.
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Old 06-28-2008, 06:06 PM   #2959
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Wow Mav! I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. You deserve better. It sounds as though she may need the counseling more than you. If she is not willing to get it, you need to get as far away from her as you can. Her issues are very deep and she obviously can't handle them on her own. You don't need to be her outlet. She couldn't control her parents so she is destroying your self-esteem in an effort to try to control you.

Like I've always said, you have two choices in a relationship, you can either except them for the way they are or you can move on. There are no other choices.
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Old 06-28-2008, 06:12 PM   #2960
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama View Post
Wow Mav! I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. You deserve better. It sounds as though she may need the counseling more than you. If she is not willing to get it, you need to get as far away from her as you can. Her issues are very deep and she obviously can't handle them on her own. You don't need to be her outlet. She couldn't control her parents so she is destroying your self-esteem in an effort to try to control you.

Like I've always said, you have two choices in a relationship, you can either except them for the way they are or you can move on. There are no other choices.
I so agree with you Mama, she needs it worse - Mav. is a sweetheart !
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