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Old 02-21-2007, 11:42 AM   #1061
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I don't think you're being petty at all. Since you and your husband were nice enough to have her live with you, she should be more gracious.

I think it's really sad that her behavior has caused you to put locks on some doors. There's no excuse for her acting like that.

When I read things like this, I am always amazed. It's hard to believe that people act like that. I thought it was tv 'comedy' but I've learned from the internet that this does go on.
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Old 02-21-2007, 11:47 AM   #1062
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HB you would be AMAZED at what people do....I always am. Like the time I cleaned out the linen cupboard (agreed was acceptable and very neceassary with all the family/in laws) I laundered it all, ironed it all, tied the sets together and folded everything else into piles, all easy to get at instead of one big jumbled moth eaten heap, and my s-i-l pulled it all out on to the floor, and left it there, because she "was looking for something" when I dared utter that I thought that a few days work had been destroyed and left for me to clear up I was simply told "she's young". She is 18 months younger than me, lol, in her mid 20s. And that is only a story I'm prepared to repeat here!
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Old 02-21-2007, 11:59 AM   #1063
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katalyst
DH wants me to be nice about it, insisting that she means well. I disagree, because she knows full well what she's doing and I've made clear to her that I put things in certain places because I blind-reach for things as I work and expect them to be there.
Might I suggest that your MIL really may NOT know full well what she is doing ?. This really sounds like she is not thinking clearly. My mother is quite unreasonable at this stage in her life, and I find it very helpful to understand that she does not know what she says and does. I try to approach my mother with compassion and calmness. She says completely outrageous things. I try to beam her light and love.

Good luck, this is a very complicated situation.
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Old 02-21-2007, 12:21 PM   #1064
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So sorry Katalyst that your having to deal with this but I think its something that DH needs to take more seriously as I'm sure the tension is or will ultimately affect your relationship. I totally agree your MIL is out of line and should be gracious enough to abide by your request while living in your home and DH should stand by your side and support you. Personally, if it were my MIL (god rest her sole - no problems for me) I'd sit her down with DH present and explain that its causing a strain in your relationship and would ask that if she cannot make an effort to meet your request then you would be happy to help her find other living arrangements. I'd also address her other problems, self medicating etc and encourage her to get help with that....ultimately that will have to be her choice because you can't help someone that doesn't want help.
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Old 02-21-2007, 01:16 PM   #1065
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bethzaring
Might I suggest that your MIL really may NOT know full well what she is doing ?. This really sounds like she is not thinking clearly. My mother is quite unreasonable at this stage in her life, and I find it very helpful to understand that she does not know what she says and does. I try to approach my mother with compassion and calmness. She says completely outrageous things. I try to beam her light and love.

Good luck, this is a very complicated situation.
You're right, BZ, this is complicated. As I said in my original post, this is the tip of the iceberg. I was a dietary manager in a nursing home for 3 years, so I'm familiar with the elderly and their traits. MIL does use this as an excuse at her convenience, yet at other times, she knows it all. She thinks there is no one good enough for her son, based on some things she's said. Thank God he disagrees.
I've overheard or had feedback from concerned family about some of the most awful things she's said about me. All way off-base and untrue. We've tried the family meeting thing, and I've brought up some of the lies she's told DH. Denial. I've learned from family that the lying goes way back.
She does need help, I am first in line on that idea. I've talked to DH, relatives, the family doctor. I can't do much else legally, as the DIL, to get her the help she needs. Someone needs to monitor her regularly, and take control over the meds (she dispenses hers and FIL's, and helps herself to his Klonopin). She'll lift anything that says to take at bedtime (cholesterol, acid blocker, etc.). Hence the lock on our door. I am compassionate and kind to her. I don't raise my voice with her (poor DH gets that). Most things I just suck up and deal with. Some things I have to bring up, like leaving the gas burner on.
Like I said, most of the stuff is little, but it's cumulative. So I vent. Or get in the car and blister my eardrums with the stereo. Thanks for caring, everyone! And, lulu, I have to laugh about the linen closet thing. I saw that one coming, so when we bought this house, I gave her the whole thing, plus my chest-of-drawers in the hall for her linens. I purged mine down to what fits in the cedar chest at the foot of my bed. I don't need that many any more, since I also gave her my queen bed.
Wow, I sound bad, but that feels good! Hugs to all of you for understanding!
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Old 02-21-2007, 01:24 PM   #1066
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Since it's your home, that you purchased, would you be up for a move any day soon....perhaps to a house that she'd not be moving to?

Because of her problems, I'd seriously consider you going with your husband, in search of a nice facility, one that is for the retired who don't need constant care, but do need some now and again.

Rather than involve her in your discussions (as she'll deny left and right, since after all, she sees you as 'attacking' her), I'd have a heart to heart with the hubby. He's not a little boy, he's a man. And, a man needs to step up and be a man for the woman he loves. He could say "Mom, I love ya lots, but it's time that my wife and I have a peaceful home. You've become disruptive and that's not going to fly here. You can either start respecting the fact that this is our home, or you can find another place to live. If you chose the second, I'd be more than happy to help you look."

Sending you peaceful, happy chocolate-filled thoughts, katalyst!
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Old 02-21-2007, 01:27 PM   #1067
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Something to look forward to!!!

Sigh! DH just called to ask me to drive to his office to pick him up this evening so we could go to dinner. I drove him in this morning, he missed the train because he forgot his glasses. Alas, I have class tonight and can't do it. Raincheck! Friday night it is!
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Old 02-21-2007, 02:26 PM   #1068
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jkath
Since it's your home, that you purchased, would you be up for a move any day soon....perhaps to a house that she'd not be moving to?

Because of her problems, I'd seriously consider you going with your husband, in search of a nice facility, one that is for the retired who don't need constant care, but do need some now and again.

Rather than involve her in your discussions (as she'll deny left and right, since after all, she sees you as 'attacking' her), I'd have a heart to heart with the hubby. He's not a little boy, he's a man. And, a man needs to step up and be a man for the woman he loves. He could say "Mom, I love ya lots, but it's time that my wife and I have a peaceful home. You've become disruptive and that's not going to fly here. You can either start respecting the fact that this is our home, or you can find another place to live. If you chose the second, I'd be more than happy to help you look."

Sending you peaceful, happy chocolate-filled thoughts, katalyst!
Your post so touched me, jkath, thank you so much! I do see the facility thing in the future (though not immediate). We uprooted them from another state after trying to live near them there for a few years to bring them here where hubby could earn a decent living. So there's the guilt thing going on about that. Yes, I've seriously thought of moving out, and have threatened to do so as soon as I am able to support myself. I hope it doesn't come down to that. I can't seem to assert myself to him that he can either spend the rest of his life with me, or the next few with her/them. He sees it as my asking him to choose whom he loves.
He is supportive of me, but is stressed right now with a new job search. We are trying to ride this out and get my business off the ground so the pressure is eased on him as the sole breadwinner. He did talk to her about her drinking, and she told him she would cut back if he would (he had no problem). He stopped, completely, and I don't drink at all. She has cut back some, but she stays in her computer room now when she drinks. She's safer there, no stairs to stumble on, until she goes wandering about the house when everyone's in bed. I told hubby that first time she has a spell, I will call 911, and he will insist she go with them. No car trips to the ER, period. Maybe that would force professional intervention. One day at a time!
Oooh, chocolate-filled thoughts! Do I wear my addiction on my sleeve? Now there's the best medicine for anything!
Off to study, I have an exam tonight. Thank you so much again! I feel like I found some sisters!
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Old 02-21-2007, 03:15 PM   #1069
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katalyst
I've overheard or had feedback from concerned family about some of the most awful things she's said about me. All way off-base and untrue. We've tried the family meeting thing, and I've brought up some of the lies she's told DH. Denial. I've learned from family that the lying goes way back.
Oh Katalyst, this is my mom to a T!! And she says awful stuff about her own kids. Well, it sounds like you are handling your situation MUCH better than I. Hang in there, the sisters are here to help you anytime!!

Oh btw, I was a dietary manager too!
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Old 02-21-2007, 03:52 PM   #1070
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bethzaring
Oh Katalyst, this is my mom to a T!! And she says awful stuff about her own kids. Well, it sounds like you are handling your situation MUCH better than I. Hang in there, the sisters are here to help you anytime!!

Oh btw, I was a dietary manager too!
thank you, thank you... it's a good feeling to know I am not alone in the world!
Another DM, how cool! Isn't it funny how they listen to you at work (kinda) about how and what to eat, but at home.....
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