Today's Funny

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ONE OF MY SPOTS JUST FELL OFF.jpg
 
The 98-year-old Mother Superior was dying and the nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.

Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother Superior the nuns asked with earnest, " please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said,












"Don't sell that cow."
 
Hell Explained
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.


The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus, I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is,therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
 
A shark swimming under a Bridge sees a Squid swimming towards him:

“How ya doin’ Squid?” He said.

In a feeble voice, the Squid replied “Not too good Mr Shark.”

“Oh, crook are ya?” The shark said.

“Yeah, I am.” He said.

“Where ya going?” The Shark said.

“I was going to North Head, there’s a place there where this weed grows
that’ll fix me up, but I’m too sick to go.” He said.

The shark smiled and said.

“Hop on my back and I’ll take you out there.”

The Squid thanked him and got on his back.

They arrived at the Heads and the Shark dived to the bottom outside this undersea cave.

A big grouper came out and said.

“How ya going? Shark, what brings you over here?”

And the Shark said














“Oh I just called in to give you that sick squid I owe you.”
 

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