Career vs Parent at Home

[Rocklobster]

I have three kids. The oldest two are from my first partner. We both worked while they grew up. They turned out fine. Very social, independent, never any problem with the authority, always worked jobs since high school. We have a great relationship and see each other often.

My third child is now 15. I had her with my second partner who, due to chronic spine illness, was always home. I, myself, worked in my restaurant which was attatched to our house, so, in essence, we were both home for a large part of her life. Over 10 years. She is different than her older brother and sister. But just as mature well adjusted. We homeschooled her for three years. I think she is more mature than most 15 year olds, having spent most of her life with two adults. But, is starting to show some indifference about things. It may be due to our separation or her mother's depression. But these are just other factors many people face in life.

Both my parents worked and all four of us siblings turned out pretty good. Three of us graduated University, and one graduated college and obtained a trade liscense. All home owners, no jail, etc...

I don't think one way is better than the other. Just different.

 

[Steve Kroll]

It was split off of another thread that had strayed off-topic. Once someone gives an opinion, everyone else wants to chime in

Ok, I get it now. I took it as a slight against those who choose to work vs. stay-at-home parents. My mistake.

 

[Chief Longwind Of The North]

I also agree that both parents working doesn't necessarily mean that the children suffer in any way. But I also feel that children with two caring adults, father and mother), who put their best efforts into loving, and nurturing high moral standards, accountability, love of family, integrity, and all of the other positive character traits that benefit the children, the family, and the society, and teaching a strong work ethic, those children have a much better chance than thier counterparts whose parents use the TV, or the church, or the sports coaches, or whomever to babysit the kids, so that they, the parents, can do as little as possible.

I also believe that neither a single father, or single mother can provide as much as can the two together, as they have different skills, personality traits, and usually compliment each other. That is, where one trait is weak, the other makes up for that weakness, and vice-versa. I know that I tended to over discipline in some ways, and my wife would step in and help me choose something more reasonable. On the other hand, she would be too leniant in teaching a strong work ethic, stating that the kids were too young to learn. I helped ballance her views in that area. We complimented each other, and that was good for our family, and especially, our children. Neither of us would have been as good by ourselves. And I think that there are very few exceptions to this principle.

Now I'm not saying that a bad parent is offset by a good parent. I am saying that two good parents, one male, and one female, offer more than either could alone. Two perspectives gives a more complete base from which to work.

Two of my children have kids of their own. And though they have completely different personalities, they both have chosen wonderful spouses, and put a lot of effort into raising their children, with their loving partner. And you can definitely see it in the children.

I a perfect world, I think that because women are usually more nuturing, that they should be home during the formative years. If that isn't possible (as with both of my kid's families) due to financial realities, then you do the best you can, and the father must step up to the plate and learn to nurture, as well as teach how to throw a baseball.

The key is to do the best you can with whatever situation you are in, as a parent. If you can't give your best to your children, then don't have children. Raising children, loving your children, and your spouse, should be what all other aspects of your life helps you to do. And in the case of a single parent, they have an even greater responsibility to do everything in their power to do the best for their children.

Those people who put their all into their families are, in my opinion, the true heroes in our world.

Seeeeeeeya; Chief Longwind of the North

Seeeeeeeya; Chief Longwind of the North

 

[Addie]

My fifth child lost his father when he was still an infant in diapers. So again I had to make a choice. On the rare occasions I dated, he never met my date.

When he was about 13 I became involved in a relationship that lasted three years. It was inevitable that my son would meet him. This man never interfered in son's life. He had nothing to say about how I was raising him. Then one day when my son was at the mall, I got a phone call that he was very sick. Could I come and pick him up. This man jumped in his car and went and got him without my even asking. When he got to my house he came in and told me to get in the car. He then took me to the ER and waited with me. After all this, he still understood that he would never have a place in my son's life. I had no intentions of wanting to marry him. And he understood that also. I had a job to do. Raise my son. When we finally separated, my son did not feel his absence. Because I have always put my kids first. This child turned out to be the shining example of a parent raising a child alone. He is now a PA, and a professor teaching medicine to wanabees for the PA program that he wrote the program for. He has been published several times. And he is the National President for PAs. He has a Puff File that includes a letter from the White House for his leadership in handling a train wreck.

As a single mother, I think I did okay with him. And to tell you the truth I honestly think had his father been there in his life, he might have no done so well.

 

[Alix]

I've done both the stay at home and the career parent routine. When the kids were smaller I would only take shifts on a casual basis. Once they were both in school, I'd take shifts while they were in school so I could be home when they were. Ken's salary was stretched, but we did it. Any money that I brought in was for the "extras" like dance lessons and softball. Once the kids got a bit older I started taking on more time at work. Its only in the last 3-4 years I've been taking pretty much full time hours. I'm really enjoying my time at work.

Staying at home with the kids was really important to Ken and I. One of us was home with them nearly all the time. On the rare occasions we weren't home, a Gramma was with the girls. We were able to make it work financially. We did without a lot of things, but we're at a point now where we are getting to do all the fun stuff and I think we're enjoying it more now than we would have then. I'd have felt guilty for spending the money then. I could never understand going to work to pay daycare to look after my kids. That seemed really wrong to me.

 

[Chief Longwind Of The North]

My fifth child lost his father when he was still an infant in diapers. So again I had to make a choice. On the rare occasions I dated, he never met my date.

When he was about 13 I became involved in a relationship that lasted three years. It was inevitable that my son would meet him. This man never interfered in son's life. He had nothing to say about how I was raising him. Then one day when my son was at the mall, I got a phone call that he was very sick. Could I come and pick him up. This man jumped in his car and went and got him without my even asking. When he got to my house he came in and told me to get in the car. He then took me to the ER and waited with me. After all this, he still understood that he would never have a place in my son's life. I had no intentions of wanting to marry him. And he understood that also. I had a job to do. Raise my son. When we finally separated, my son did not feel his absence. Because I have always put my kids first. This child turned out to be the shining example of a parent raising a child alone. He is now a PA, and a professor teaching medicine to wanabees for the PA program that he wrote the program for. He has been published several times. And he is the National President for PAs. He has a Puff File that includes a letter from the White House for his leadership in handling a train wreck.

As a single mother, I think I did okay with him. And to tell you the truth I honestly think had his father been there in his life, he might have no done so well.

Addie, kudos to you for doing the best you could. You should feel pride in your accomplishment. It couldn't have been an easy task.

That said, there are certainly both women, and men who have had to raise their children without a partner, and who did it very well. I'm not trying to take anything away from you, or any other single parent who has raised their children. I am stating that with a loving, and caring partner, who put as much into the family as you did, in most cases, the family is stronger for it. But it does have to be a true partnership, with equal effort.

I often tell young couples who are entertaining the thought of marriage, that his job, his only job, is to be the best husband he can be, and eventually to be the best father he can be. Her happiness needs to be his greatest goal. Then I turn to the young woman and tell her that his happiness is her most important job, and if they have children, that she needs to be the best mother that she can be. Then I explain to them, that if they both put their partner first, and guarantee the happiness of their partner, that they are in fact, guaranteeing their own happiness, as their partner is looking out for it.

When give of ourselves to our family first, then to our friends, and then to our communities, we are more satisfied, and happy than if we were to obtain any tangible item, or attain the most prestigious corporate position.

And by the way, thank you Addie for being the mother that you were/are.

Seeeeeeeya; Chief Longwind of the North