OP
OP
GB
Chief Eating Officer
Exactly right on the nose Tanis!!!tancowgirl2000 said:
I need advice
- Thread starter GB
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tancowgirl2000
Head Chef
ok GB....waht the heck is IMO??? You got me beside you. I KNOW where your coming from. K this has nohting to do with the food issue btu this is where it started for me. I once called my ex to see if he wanted HIS son for the weekend....his MOTHER told me.....you dont need a break, your a mother, they dont get breaks......boy was I ready to plummit her, if she werent so far away at that time. I was lucky though, cuz I wasnt with that family any more it didnt matter. I put my foot down, told her to get lost, of course it broke my heart at that time, but they still try to push my buttons. Now they know that if things aren't met...my expectations when Seth is there, than Seth wont be going back. Evil of me to say and do it, but hes my son and thats the way it is......
OP
OP
GB
Chief Eating Officer
WOW Tanis, that would have pushed my buttons as well!
IMO = In My Opinion
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion
IMO = In My Opinion
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion
tancowgirl2000
Head Chef
ahhh thank you for clearing that up!
jennyema
Chef Extraordinaire
I am not sure why wanting your mother-in-law to follow rules developed by your pediatrician is "controlling."
Andy M.
Certified Pretend Chef
GB:
I have lived through what you are experiencing. I have to agree with you that Rachel is YOUR (you and your wife together) baby and you get to make the rules. And whether or not you are over-protective, that's your business.
All this is separate from your relationship with your mother. IMHO both of you were wrong.
Firts of all, Mom was wrong to go against your wishes. I'm sure she felt it was harmless and also that you were going overbeard with the restrictions because you are young and inexperienced while she has 'seen it all'. (I'm not making excuses, just trying to understand what may be going on between the ears).
Second, you should not have gotten into a yelling match with mom. First, she's your mom and second, because all rational thinking goes out the door ande defenses go up when yelling kicks in.
I recommend your apologizing for the shouting and anger, not for the feeding restrictions. Also, take some time to explain the whole process you're going through with the introduction of new foods and how that works. If she understands, she's more likely to support your efforts.
Then, you have to be prepared to make a really difficult decision. What will you do if she refuses to support your requirements? What will the effects of that action be on her and your relationship with her? It won't be pretty if it comes to that.
Good luck. I don't envy you with your dilemma.
I have lived through what you are experiencing. I have to agree with you that Rachel is YOUR (you and your wife together) baby and you get to make the rules. And whether or not you are over-protective, that's your business.
All this is separate from your relationship with your mother. IMHO both of you were wrong.
Firts of all, Mom was wrong to go against your wishes. I'm sure she felt it was harmless and also that you were going overbeard with the restrictions because you are young and inexperienced while she has 'seen it all'. (I'm not making excuses, just trying to understand what may be going on between the ears).
Second, you should not have gotten into a yelling match with mom. First, she's your mom and second, because all rational thinking goes out the door ande defenses go up when yelling kicks in.
I recommend your apologizing for the shouting and anger, not for the feeding restrictions. Also, take some time to explain the whole process you're going through with the introduction of new foods and how that works. If she understands, she's more likely to support your efforts.
Then, you have to be prepared to make a really difficult decision. What will you do if she refuses to support your requirements? What will the effects of that action be on her and your relationship with her? It won't be pretty if it comes to that.
Good luck. I don't envy you with your dilemma.
tancowgirl2000
Head Chef
ahhh Jenny......thank you!
I just hope your son will not hold that against when he is older. Blame you for not being close/closer to his grandparents.
I know a girl in a similar sitution, and boy has it ever screwed up the kid and the problems it has caused the family.
It's a hard place to be in, you make the best decisions you can at the time and hope all comes out good in the end. You just need to be aware of the negative outcome as well as the positive, it can go either way.
I know a girl in a similar sitution, and boy has it ever screwed up the kid and the problems it has caused the family.
It's a hard place to be in, you make the best decisions you can at the time and hope all comes out good in the end. You just need to be aware of the negative outcome as well as the positive, it can go either way.
tancowgirl2000
Head Chef
Oh it wont! This was 6 years ago that this happened and all is good. Like I said I put my foot down and thats that. They know I wont take their crap one way or another. Right now though I am waiting for something to blow up, for his FATHER has a gf....he hasnt had one in 7 years,(the last one he had was rather pyscho) but shes an internet girl...I mean they met on the internet.....she lives with him now, and has no urge to meet me. Time will come. I wont intentally put my kids in harms way....Seth knows my ground as well......when the tough gets going I kick ***......I know but you have to being a single parent
corazon
Executive Chef
I'm just curious, does your daughter have a lot of allergy problems or is this a precautionary step?
I have a lot of thoughts running through my head, let's see if I can sort them out...
I think that the difference between your mother and you, is that she has had two kids and is a bit more relaxed in her role. I doubt she thought it would be a big deal to feed your daughter that cheerio because odds are it would be fine, especially if she's had something similar to it. I guess that isn't really the issue though, I think if she wants to spend time with your daughter she needs to respect your rules. And tell her that!
I understand how hard it is not to be overprotective. I think you and your wife need to be strict about the things that really matter but maybe you also need to relax a little bit too (which will come with time). Just wait until you come home and your daughter has a big bruise on her forehead, it will be hard not to blame who was watching her but accidents happen, no matter how much you hover and how much you protect.
I think if you don't lay down the rules with your mom now, this will continue. Maybe it won't be this same situation, but she will be letting your daughter stay up without her nap or feeding her cake before dinner but at the same time ask yourself if it would really be so bad if she went a day without her nap?
I have a lot of thoughts running through my head, let's see if I can sort them out...
I think that the difference between your mother and you, is that she has had two kids and is a bit more relaxed in her role. I doubt she thought it would be a big deal to feed your daughter that cheerio because odds are it would be fine, especially if she's had something similar to it. I guess that isn't really the issue though, I think if she wants to spend time with your daughter she needs to respect your rules. And tell her that!
I understand how hard it is not to be overprotective. I think you and your wife need to be strict about the things that really matter but maybe you also need to relax a little bit too (which will come with time). Just wait until you come home and your daughter has a big bruise on her forehead, it will be hard not to blame who was watching her but accidents happen, no matter how much you hover and how much you protect.
I think if you don't lay down the rules with your mom now, this will continue. Maybe it won't be this same situation, but she will be letting your daughter stay up without her nap or feeding her cake before dinner but at the same time ask yourself if it would really be so bad if she went a day without her nap?
OP
OP
GB
Chief Eating Officer
Thanks Andy. Your thoughts have been helpful!
Hard to say as he is not grown yet.
Remember back when y'all were kids and going to your grandparents( I have no such memories, as all my grandparents were dead before my parents ever met). What made some of those times fun or memoriable? Was it getting to do things Mom & Dad wouldn't let you do? i.e have ice cream before supper or stay up late?
Was it just the fun had with them doing things Mom & Dad don't have time for?
Remember back when y'all were kids and going to your grandparents( I have no such memories, as all my grandparents were dead before my parents ever met). What made some of those times fun or memoriable? Was it getting to do things Mom & Dad wouldn't let you do? i.e have ice cream before supper or stay up late?
Was it just the fun had with them doing things Mom & Dad don't have time for?
GB, it is so hard to give you advice because I'm a mom, daughter and grandmother, so I can see all sides of your dilemma. It sounds like the bonds between granddaughter and grandma are very strong ones. I pray that you somehow smooth the relationship with you Mom for all involved. No one will "win" if the family is apart. I think the communication between you and Mom in this problem is what's to blame. Notes? What's wrong with sitting down, face to face, to talk about baby and what you expect of your mom before the babysitting began? I would be insulted with notes, but if my daughter and I had a nice, warm talk about my grandson, I would remember and abide with her wishes. I pray that this rift with mom will be over before the holidays. Kiss the Little Princess for me......wasabi
Zereh
Head Chef
hmmm Had a very similar situation with my Dad. He spoiled the crap outta my son (bless his heart)... but when I'd tell my son no, he couldn't do something and my dad would turn around and say, "Oh, it's ok" and let him, it would make my blood simmer. It was never anything huge or serious, but it was the point about me making rules and my son needing to learn to listen.
I finally had to tell my Dad that he was making my job really hard. And he needed to support my decisions, not countermine them. It was a hard talk to have, honestly, because I knew he meant well. Anyway, he respected my wishes and stood behind me from then on. Love my Dad! And my son and he to this day have the most spectacular relationship. =)
Anyway... GB, she's your baby. You get to decide what is appropriate and what isn't. And when someone steps outside of those boundaries you have every right to make it clear that what they did doesn't work. Mom or not.
Ideally the subject could be approached without the heat, but sometimes that just doesn't work out.
I suggest you call her and apologize for the way the argument got out of hand, which is a good thing to do. You can be sincere about that but still remain firm in your stance about about what you think is appropriate for your daughter. And you can tell her that too.
Usually after the tempers have cooled both sides are a bit more ready to listen to the other. =) Hopefully this is the case between you two.
Z
I finally had to tell my Dad that he was making my job really hard. And he needed to support my decisions, not countermine them. It was a hard talk to have, honestly, because I knew he meant well. Anyway, he respected my wishes and stood behind me from then on. Love my Dad! And my son and he to this day have the most spectacular relationship. =)
Anyway... GB, she's your baby. You get to decide what is appropriate and what isn't. And when someone steps outside of those boundaries you have every right to make it clear that what they did doesn't work. Mom or not.
Ideally the subject could be approached without the heat, but sometimes that just doesn't work out.
I suggest you call her and apologize for the way the argument got out of hand, which is a good thing to do. You can be sincere about that but still remain firm in your stance about about what you think is appropriate for your daughter. And you can tell her that too.
Usually after the tempers have cooled both sides are a bit more ready to listen to the other. =) Hopefully this is the case between you two.
Z
mudbug
Chef Extraordinaire
Don't have much to add, geebs, to the good advice you've received here already. All I can think of to add is that babysitters come and go, but grandma is forever. Figure out a way to make peace.
mrsmac
Head Chef
Does your baby have allergies to certain foods or a reason to suspect she does? (just clarifying this in my mind) Do you pay your mother to babysit? (not justifying her actions but remember she may be doing this out of the goodness of her heart)
This is a tricky situation, when I had my first child I was really guided by my mum so I guess I never got into this situation and mum minded Jessica 5 days a week from when she was 7 months old. My mum shaped the kind of parent I was and so we had no problems. I guess it is hard for your mum to be told she doesn't know whats best when all she sees is 2 fully grown children that she has raised successfully she probably feels a bit hurt and insulted. I know you want to parent in a different way but you need to acknowledge her experience too.
I think you need to sit down with your wife and your mum and talk it through and try to reach an understanding that, whilst you agree she is experienced, this is your turn to be the parents and whilst she might not agree with your methods they are your choice.
This is a tricky situation, when I had my first child I was really guided by my mum so I guess I never got into this situation and mum minded Jessica 5 days a week from when she was 7 months old. My mum shaped the kind of parent I was and so we had no problems. I guess it is hard for your mum to be told she doesn't know whats best when all she sees is 2 fully grown children that she has raised successfully she probably feels a bit hurt and insulted. I know you want to parent in a different way but you need to acknowledge her experience too.
I think you need to sit down with your wife and your mum and talk it through and try to reach an understanding that, whilst you agree she is experienced, this is your turn to be the parents and whilst she might not agree with your methods they are your choice.
kitchenelf
Chef Extraordinaire
mrsmac - GB's baby is only 8 months old. So introducing new foods are kind of important and should be done with your (the parent's) knowledge of when they are introduced and what is introduced. There's a lot of potential allergic reactions to be had.
I can imagine how this has affected everyone GB. Has your mother ever given Rachel cheerio's before? Were they ever on an approved list either via written form or because they were in her things for her to eat that day? If the answer to either of those questions is "yes" then I'd say your mother had no reason to think she shouldn't give them to her - even though they weren't in her things for her to eat that day. If the answer is "no" then she should not have introduced them to her.
You AND your mother owe a "talk" to each other - you can't apologize for wanting certain rules abided by when it comes to your child. I know you don't want those kinds of issues taking up your emotions. It's not good for you, your wife, your baby, or your mother. You can only apologize for the "tone" of the whole thing but you can't apologize for the way you want to raise your child. It is a bit stricter with the first one I understand - but you can't be wrong by following a "rule" of sorts that could determine a potential allergic reaction - mild or otherwise.
I can imagine how this has affected everyone GB. Has your mother ever given Rachel cheerio's before? Were they ever on an approved list either via written form or because they were in her things for her to eat that day? If the answer to either of those questions is "yes" then I'd say your mother had no reason to think she shouldn't give them to her - even though they weren't in her things for her to eat that day. If the answer is "no" then she should not have introduced them to her.
You AND your mother owe a "talk" to each other - you can't apologize for wanting certain rules abided by when it comes to your child. I know you don't want those kinds of issues taking up your emotions. It's not good for you, your wife, your baby, or your mother. You can only apologize for the "tone" of the whole thing but you can't apologize for the way you want to raise your child. It is a bit stricter with the first one I understand - but you can't be wrong by following a "rule" of sorts that could determine a potential allergic reaction - mild or otherwise.
licia
Executive Chef
I beg to differ with what Earlzach said. It is always better to have the conversation and settle disagreements between the blood relatives before anyone else gets involved. Also, I don't see that as a form of control of the wife over the husband. I would think most women (not all) probably pay more attention to small things about their children than do men (some men). I hope the issue is resolved to the satisfaction and good health of everyone - especially the little one.
Sorry about my post. Had I read further, I'd have seen that this information had already been discussed. I'll have to pay you some karma.
Sorry about my post. Had I read further, I'd have seen that this information had already been discussed. I'll have to pay you some karma.
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GB, I have already talked to you a bit about this so you know my story. I have to say I think your best option at this point is to apologize to your Mom for yelling but to reiterate that YOU are Rachel's parent and what you say goes. PERIOD. This time it was about a cheerio, next time it might be something more important. Child rearing has gone through some major changes over the years (car seats being a big one I can think of).
This issue is less about Rachel's safety than about your Mom respecting you and your DW. If you can calmly present that to her as many times as it may take you will come out on the other side much closer. Stick with your wife on this one, and be respectful to your Mom, but keep having the discussion. Good luck GB. Hugs to you all.
This issue is less about Rachel's safety than about your Mom respecting you and your DW. If you can calmly present that to her as many times as it may take you will come out on the other side much closer. Stick with your wife on this one, and be respectful to your Mom, but keep having the discussion. Good luck GB. Hugs to you all.
