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[SIZE=-1] New Slogans for Fast Food Restaurants:

[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] McDonald's -- New cooler coffee![/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Starbucks -- Now with 0.9% financing on the new Quad Macchiato.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] KFC -- No, we're NOT a rap group.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]And, my personal favorite:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]Taco Bell -- Working around the clock to invent new ways to combine[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]the same 5 ingredients.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=-1]Feel free to add on to the list!
[/SIZE]
 
Telecom History: Did You Know?
After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read; English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.
One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland inhabitants were already using wireless technology.​
 
It's hard to keep this "PG" but I'll try...

What two words will clear out a mens bathroom?
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"Nice 'package'."
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original version rhymes with slick.
 
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

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Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? (I like this one)
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Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? (Hmmmm)

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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

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If it's true ! that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

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If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

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Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
​

 
Alix said:



OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?​



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​
Click to expand...


.....well?​
 
Wise cooking advice

This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks.

While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.

Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.

Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.

By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!

Aha! Jokes > Food Jokes > Wise cooking advice
 
For the ladies........

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Michigan."

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh!! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
 
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the
cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient:
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two
of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where y'all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Sam replied, " the balcony."​
 
World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said
"No" and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis
with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet
full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End
 
mudbug said:
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said
"No" and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis
with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet
full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End
Click to expand...


Talk about fantastic luck! That guy really dodged a bullet!
 
(really PG ~ DH sent it to me...)

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> I went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for five
>dollars worth of gas.
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>SCROLL DOWN
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> The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
 
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