bethzaring said:
Might I suggest that your MIL really may NOT know full well what she is doing
?. This really sounds like she is not thinking clearly. My mother is quite unreasonable at this stage in her life, and I find it very helpful to understand that she does not know what she says and does. I try to approach my mother with compassion and calmness. She says completely outrageous things. I try to beam her light and love.
Good luck, this is a very complicated situation.
You're right, BZ, this is complicated. As I said in my original post, this is the tip of the iceberg. I was a dietary manager in a nursing home for 3 years, so I'm familiar with the elderly and their traits. MIL does use this as an excuse at her convenience, yet at other times, she knows it all. She thinks there is no one good enough for her son, based on some things she's said. Thank God he disagrees.
I've overheard or had feedback from concerned family about some of the most awful things she's said about me. All way off-base and untrue. We've tried the family meeting thing, and I've brought up some of the lies she's told DH. Denial. I've learned from family that the lying goes way back.
She does need help, I am first in line on that idea. I've talked to DH, relatives, the family doctor. I can't do much else legally, as the DIL, to get her the help she needs. Someone needs to monitor her regularly, and take control over the meds (she dispenses hers and FIL's, and helps herself to his Klonopin). She'll lift anything that says to take at bedtime (cholesterol, acid blocker, etc.). Hence the lock on our door. I am compassionate and kind to her. I don't raise my voice with her (poor DH gets that). Most things I just suck up and deal with. Some things I have to bring up, like leaving the gas burner on.
Like I said, most of the stuff is little, but it's cumulative. So I vent. Or get in the car and blister my eardrums with the stereo. Thanks for caring, everyone! And, lulu, I have to laugh about the linen closet thing. I saw that one coming, so when we bought this house, I gave her the whole thing, plus my chest-of-drawers in the hall for her linens. I purged mine down to what fits in the cedar chest at the foot of my bed. I don't need that many any more, since I also gave her my queen bed.
Wow, I sound bad, but that feels good! Hugs to all of you for understanding!