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Old 07-10-2009, 08:51 AM   #1
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Sad day

I know I don't get on this site or post much anymore, but I still think of you guys as family. I needed to talk and this is the first place I could think of. You see my husbands good friend killed himself yesterday.Pauly had hurt his back 6 months ago thats when he found out he had what they called bamboo spine, his spine was fusing together and causing great pain. Then a month ago he found out he had cancer.
His wife found him and my husband is feeling really guilty. Pauly's wife called my hubby and asked if he had heard from him then asked if he might know where he could be, hubby told her that Pauly told him that he started walking at a nearby asphalt plant so my hubby told her how to get there.
My husband was working nearby when they saw a cop go flying by he turned down the road where the plant so my husbands crew boss (Pauly worked with them also) said lets go. They got there saw Pauly's truck out back and his wife running hysterical towards them.
I'm trying to be there for him it just seems like everything I say sounds stupid. I told him there was nothing that he could have done, and that it sounded like the phone call the other night was his way of saying goodbye. I think when he called my hubby the other night he had already made his mind up, he just didn't let on.
Anyway, I just needed to get all this out. Thanks for listening

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Old 07-10-2009, 09:16 AM   #2
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Oh mikki, I'm so so sorry. How terrible. You aren't saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing, there just isn't any one RIGHT thing to say here. You are right, your hubby got a goodbye call. The only thing you can do is acknowledge that your husband feels guilty for not knowing and not acting. He isn't a mind reader. Hes going to get mad too, lots of "how could he do this to me" kinds of things. Its just so terribly sad. The poor guy must have really been in the depths of despair to consider death as any kind of alternative. Hug your hubby, hug the widow, be a solid warm loving presence for them to come to for comfort if needed. Look into counselling of some kind if you think it will help. Churches are a good place to start looking if you attend one.

I'm sorry mikki, I'm sending YOU a virtual hug {{{{{{{{{{{{mikki}}}}}}}}}}}}
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Old 07-10-2009, 10:51 AM   #3
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Mikki,
I'm truly sorry that's happened.What your saying isn't stupid.I know exactly what you mean.What your feeling now,and will probably be feeling in a week from now.
I've had a brother who took his own life,nobody but me saw it coming.I knew at the time that would be the last time I/we would ever see him.I didn't say a word to anyone about what I knew.
I was just a little girl,and didn't know the words to express it to anyone.

A few years ago my husbands friend took his own life.
I knew then again, something wasn't right,but this time I said something.
Even called him out on my suspicions.He said everything was fine.


You might think saying anything now is stupid.It's not.
All I can say is sorry,I understand..It's tough,and it's going to get tougher.
Knowing or not knowing doesn't stop,things like that from happening.
It's not anyone's fault.
My husband felt a lot of guilt/anger about it.All I could do was listen to what he had to say.Help him through.You don't get over something like that.You just keep going.
Look for positive things.His wife needs to know that she has good friends like you and your husband to talk to.
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Old 07-10-2009, 11:47 AM   #4
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oh mikki, I am so sorry....Alix and Munky gave excellent advice, much better than I could have written..
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Old 07-10-2009, 11:56 AM   #5
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{{{{{{{{{{{{Mikki}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm so sorry. It's a terrible thing for your husband (and everyone involved) to process. It's going to be an emotional rollercoaster for the next few weeks. All you can do is be there while he sorts this out. My husband went through a very guilty phase when his best friend died just a few weeks ago. It breaks your heart, I know. I will say a prayer to help ease his burden. My heart hurts for you, your husband, and Pauly's wife.

Come here anytime you need to talk...
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Old 07-10-2009, 12:11 PM   #6
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Mikki,
I'm sorry for your hurt and loss,
People who take their lives are hurting so badly, they don't give thought to the people left to deal with what they did...They leave guilt and anger and many whys.It is normal for us to have some guilt, the shy didn't I visit more often, why did I let them do this at the hospital..There is also anger they they did this to us. In time this eases and you begin to see things in a more normal manner..I know, I had these feelings when my dad and mom passed..I still have them,at times but they are softer and can see andother hand in the matter.Stand by your husband, be there for him. If he is anything like mine, a soft hand run over his hair as he watches a ball game, a quiet hug just for no reason..He know and it helps ease the guilt and pain. You have my thoughts and if you like my prayers.
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Old 07-11-2009, 09:26 AM   #7
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Thank you all, My husband is going through all that you describe. He is angry, hurt, sad, guilty, and he feels set up ( hubby is the only one Pauly told where he walked). The funeral is Wed and everyone he works with that rides motorcycle is going to meet up and ride their bikes to the funeral. I think that is a very fitting tribute. Thank you all again for being here for me
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Old 07-11-2009, 04:28 PM   #8
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I am really sorry to hear all that Mikki, really sorry for your hard times, and I really hope that you pass all your and your husband's pain.
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Old 07-11-2009, 09:04 PM   #9
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I am so sorry Mikki. You and your family have had some harsh times in the past while. Nothing can be said from me that hasn't already been mentioned. Condolences to his and your families.
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Old 07-11-2009, 09:54 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mikki View Post
and he feels set up ( hubby is the only one Pauly told where he walked).
He wasn't "set up"...he shouldn't feel that way. Pauly simply wanted to be found. The motorcycle "tribute" is a wonderful idea!
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Old 07-12-2009, 09:25 AM   #11
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My Hubby is doing much better, still trying to answer the whys, but coming to terms that there was nothing he could do.
KE- That's what I told him, I said Pauly wanted to make sure someone knew where he could be if he came up missing.
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Old 07-12-2009, 08:13 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mikki View Post
My Hubby is doing much better, still trying to answer the whys, but coming to terms that there was nothing he could do.
KE- That's what I told him, I said Pauly wanted to make sure someone knew where he could be if he came up missing.

Mikki - There is no making something like this better. But I will say this. Just being a silent strong loving partner, is all I'd ask or want, if I had you in my life.

Be strong, and loving... he needs that now. Silence is okay to.

Bob
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Old 07-12-2009, 08:55 PM   #13
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I am very sorry for your loss. The only consolation is if someone has made the decision to end their own suffering, there is little anyone can do to prevent it.

If his life was going to below what he could accept as worthy of life, he made his decision. Take comfort that there is nothing anyone could have done after that decision was made.
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Old 07-12-2009, 09:32 PM   #14
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Guilt is always there in the survivors after a suicide. My husband went through the same thing with one of his friends. It really pushed my love into the deep end. Just being there is enough for now. I'm sorry your family and friends are going through this.
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Old 07-13-2009, 06:58 AM   #15
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I am so sorry for your loss. Don't worry about what you say sounding stupid. Just sit and hold his hand.
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Old 07-15-2009, 01:12 PM   #16
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Mikki!

I just noticed this, and I'm not on as much as I'd like to be. I'm so sorry!! I don't know what to say, because not enough words can make you feel better.

I am here for you, if you need to talk about anything. Just send me a private message. I wish I could give you a big HUG right now.

You, your DH and his friend's family are in my prayers.
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Old 07-15-2009, 05:16 PM   #17
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Thanks everyone, visiting was yesterday ( I went) funeral was today ( couldn't go) Hubby said it was really hard, Pauly did leave a note and it was read at the funeral. The motorcycles led the way from the funeral to the brunch type thing they had after. Very fitting
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Old 07-15-2009, 06:40 PM   #18
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Sounds like he had a good send-off. I'm happy for that.

Bob
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Old 07-15-2009, 10:01 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mikki View Post
Thanks everyone, visiting was yesterday ( I went) funeral was today ( couldn't go) Hubby said it was really hard, Pauly did leave a note and it was read at the funeral. The motorcycles led the way from the funeral to the brunch type thing they had after. Very fitting
Mikki - you, and everyone, were in my heart today!
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Old 07-16-2009, 12:40 PM   #20
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Thank You KE
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