Heard any good jokes lately?

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Are Women Born This Way?

Are women born this way?

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The half-wit

A man owned a small farm in Saskatchewan. The Saskatchewan Provincial Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them, demanded the agent.'

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally...'

Looking quite shocked and very stern, the government man said, 'That's the guy I want to talk to .... the half-wit!'

'Oh, well, that would be me,' replied the farmer.
 
lol

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most
beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White. :LOL:

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place !" said Snow White.


They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man
in the world."


"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"


They continue walking when they see a sign:

"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.




"Who the hell is this Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.

:shock:
 
man walks into the local watering hole and takes a seat at the bar. He notices another gentleman at the end of the bar with a tiny piano player. This miniature piano player is wearing a tux and playing the most beautiful compositions the man has ever heard.

He walks down and approaches the man with the tiny piano player. "That is extraordinary. I have never seen a piano player barely taller than a pint of beer. Where did he come from?"

The man with the tiny piano player begins to explain of his travels all over the world and how he had found a Genies Lamp. He told the man he had rubbed the lamp and made a wish to get the tiny piano player. Then asked if the man would like to make a wish himself.

Sure said the man and he picked of the lamp and rubbed the lamp. All of a sudden ducks began to fall from the ceiling. Ducks continue to fall until the bar is filled and everyone is standing outside. The man complains that he did not ask for ducks, he asks for a million bucks.

The man with the tiny piano player said. " Do you think I asked for a 10 inch pianist."
 
I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the Food Court . I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.

My Dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one.

And, in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'Whats that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'



'You dumber than buffalo turd. It means someone stole the tent.
 
Blonde lady does her routine Monday morning chore of dropping her clothes off at her usual Chinese Laundry. She puts the clothes on the counter and starts heading toward the door to leave.

The Chinese lady says politely. "Come again."

The Blonde spins aroun and shouts at the Chinese lady, "Hell no it's toothpaste stains, if it's any of your business, you nosey bitch."
 
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!
 
bknox said:
man walks into the local watering hole and takes a seat at the bar. He notices another gentleman at the end of the bar with a tiny piano player. This miniature piano player is wearing a tux and playing the most beautiful compositions the man has ever heard.

He walks down and approaches the man with the tiny piano player. "That is extraordinary. I have never seen a piano player barely taller than a pint of beer. Where did he come from?"

The man with the tiny piano player begins to explain of his travels all over the world and how he had found a Genies Lamp. He told the man he had rubbed the lamp and made a wish to get the tiny piano player. Then asked if the man would like to make a wish himself.

Sure said the man and he picked of the lamp and rubbed the lamp. All of a sudden ducks began to fall from the ceiling. Ducks continue to fall until the bar is filled and everyone is standing outside. The man complains that he did not ask for ducks, he asks for a million bucks.

The man with the tiny piano player said. " Do you think I asked for a 10 inch pianist."
Click to expand...

A similar one: guy walks into a bar, takes a seat. He notices that the man on the next stool has what looks like a tiny leprechaun sitting on his shoulder. When the man orders a beer, the leprechaun kicks it out of his hand, causing him to spill it. When he tries to make conversation with someone, the leprechaun yells and curses. So the first guy asks "What's the story with him?" And he's told that the man had found a genie's lamp, and rubbed it - the genie appeared, and offered to grant him any wish. "So I asked for a ten-inch prick, and here he is."
 
bknox said:
Horse walk into a bar.

Bartender says "What's with the long face"
Click to expand...
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Union Rules & Hookers

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'

'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't..'

'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. 'We observe all union rules.'

The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'

'That's more like it!' the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde .


'I'd like her,' he said.

'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next..'
 
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