Heard any good jokes lately?

[Bobberqer]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting one day discussing who had the superior culture...

The Greek guy says "we built the Parthenon"

The Irishman replies "we discovered the summer and winter solstices"

The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"

And the Irishman countered with "but we built the first timepieces and calendars"

The Greek is getting fed up and figures he'll end the conversation....

With a flourish of finality he says "We invented sex!"

The Irishman replies, "Indeed, Tis true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women."

 

[dollarbill]

My buddy from winchester tennesee w/ a thick accent told me :

Friend: You know what a rednecks famouse last words are?

DB: No

Friend: "HEY YA'LL WATCH THIS"


I bout pissed myself......some of you probably know this one already.

 

[Bobberqer]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train..

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp...

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.?

'That tiny little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand..'

That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'?

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'?

That I did,' said Paddy.... 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

 

[Bobberqer]

Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'


The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'


The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

 

[Gary in VA]

Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to
try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line
was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

[Rag1]

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome .
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way
before."
The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

 

[Bobberqer]

An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully..



From morning till night she was always complaining about something.



The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.



He tried to plow a lot.



One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.



He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.



Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.


Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.



All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.


Killed her dead on the spot.


At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd..



When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.



This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.



So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.


The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'


'And what about the men?' the minister asked.


'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

 

[Bobberqer]

Golfing Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.... He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth..."

"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

 

[Bobberqer]

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now
Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I
want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook
than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than
me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover
than you.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as
well?'

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE.

 

[Bobberqer]

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don'thave to go a long.

3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

 

[007bond-jb]

Computer trouble!


I was having trouble with my computer. So I called John, the 11 year old next

door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

John clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

John grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T



I used to like the little shit.

 

[Griff]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his
life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses'.

 

[john pen]

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate because she never did it when she was
near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[Unity]

percussionist

http://fschnell.net/WordPress/?p=1094

--John

 

[john pen]

Re: percussionist

http://fschnell.net/WordPress/?p=1094

--John

Thats hilarious !

 

[Captain Morgan]

Re: percussionist

http://fschnell.net/WordPress/?p=1094

--John

I really did laugh out loud.

 

[bknox]

What happened to you?

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.'

We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail and, sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!

I don't remember much after that."

 

[Griff]

 

[Captain Morgan]

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic
Gold medal .

Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and
said 'Now,don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's
never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're
finished'

The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other
several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and
wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his
face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the
crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go
flying up in the air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him,
making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out
of that hold ? No one has ever done it before !'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that
ho ld but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles
right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of
strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I
could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off ?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
nuts!

 

[Unity]

--John
(I nearly choked.)