Tony M
Senior Cook
Union Rules & Hookers: 
Heard any good jokes lately?
- Thread starter Captain Morgan
- Start date
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If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
bknox
Head Chef
KNock Knock
This ones hard to write and a bit of a kid joke. But if you have kids be careful or you may have this told back to you a couple hundred times.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Interrupting Cow
Interrupting Cow....MOOOOOOOOO
Your welcome,
Bryan
This ones hard to write and a bit of a kid joke. But if you have kids be careful or you may have this told back to you a couple hundred times.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Interrupting Cow
Interrupting Cow....MOOOOOOOOO
Your welcome,
Bryan
Nick Prochilo
Chef Extraordinaire
Bryan, don't quit your day job!
Rag1
Executive Chef
The beach
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
Nick Prochilo
Chef Extraordinaire
A JEWISH WIDOW
A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft.. Myers Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, there, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book...
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"This is the first time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she queried.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying desperately to find any topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket, and climbed on top her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most wonderful, passionate sex she'd ever experienced in her entire life.
After the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied............. "How did you know my name was Katz?"
A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft.. Myers Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, there, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book...
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"This is the first time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she queried.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying desperately to find any topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket, and climbed on top her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most wonderful, passionate sex she'd ever experienced in her entire life.
After the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied............. "How did you know my name was Katz?"
bknox
Head Chef
NICE!
Tony M
Senior Cook
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.
bknox
Head Chef
Allow me to introduce you to my personal physician.
Allow me to introduce you to my personal physician.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Bourbon in one hand - rack of smoked ribs in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
Allow me to introduce you to my personal physician.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Bourbon in one hand - rack of smoked ribs in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
bknox
Head Chef
I called Lifeline.
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, global warming, my savings, Social Security, my credit card debt..... I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.....
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, global warming, my savings, Social Security, my credit card debt..... I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.....
Rag1
Executive Chef
Captain Morgan said:
I like that one.
Griff
Master Chef
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
"ASK MIKE"
Dear Mike,
I hope you can help me here.
The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching
the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the
engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get
my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbors daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter
is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke
down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six
months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job
six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he
has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I
can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Anne
Dear Anne:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris
in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the
intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
Mike
"ASK MIKE"
Dear Mike,
I hope you can help me here.
The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching
the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the
engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get
my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbors daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter
is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke
down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six
months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job
six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he
has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I
can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Anne
Dear Anne:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris
in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the
intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
Mike
Rag1
Executive Chef
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul........ won't it f'ing start?"
Griff
Master Chef
AND That's How the Fight Started!
My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes, that's my final answer."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes, that's my final answer."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how the fight started.....
bknox
Head Chef
That is hysterical. Thanks for that. Bobberqer
Sous Chef
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind
him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on
Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock
will move."
"Oh,' said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible,' said the man. "And whose clock is that
one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in
his entire life."
"Where's Obama's clock?" asked the man.
"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office . . .
He's using it as a ceiling fan."
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind
him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on
Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock
will move."
"Oh,' said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible,' said the man. "And whose clock is that
one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in
his entire life."
"Where's Obama's clock?" asked the man.
"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office . . .
He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Bobberqer
Sous Chef
An old man was sitting on his front porch in Saskatchewan watching the sunrise.
He sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm He yells out, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there?'
Boy yells back, 'Roll of chicken wire.'
Old man says, 'What you gonna do with that?'
Boy says, 'Gonna catch some chickens..'
Old man yells, 'You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round thing in his hand.
Old man yells out 'Hey boy!, whatcha got there?'
Boy yells back 'Roll of duct tape.'
Old man says 'What you gonna do with that?'
Boy says back 'Gonna catch me some ducks'.
Old man yells back, 'You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!'
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The Old man says 'Hey boy, whatcha got there?'
Boy says 'It's a pussy willow.'
Old man says 'Wait up, I'll get my hat!'
He sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm He yells out, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there?'
Boy yells back, 'Roll of chicken wire.'
Old man says, 'What you gonna do with that?'
Boy says, 'Gonna catch some chickens..'
Old man yells, 'You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round thing in his hand.
Old man yells out 'Hey boy!, whatcha got there?'
Boy yells back 'Roll of duct tape.'
Old man says 'What you gonna do with that?'
Boy says back 'Gonna catch me some ducks'.
Old man yells back, 'You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!'
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The Old man says 'Hey boy, whatcha got there?'
Boy says 'It's a pussy willow.'
Old man says 'Wait up, I'll get my hat!'
Griff
Master Chef
Griff
Master Chef
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives..'
Griff said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives..'
Griff said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
Griff
Master Chef
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?"
Russ replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty."
"The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?"
Russ replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty."
"The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
Bobberqer
Sous Chef
The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I got a little hungry after a while, so I went into the local coffee shop for a snack.
I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'
He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.
So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.'
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't really care.
I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, ' Obama '08.'
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.
I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'
He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.
So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.'
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't really care.
I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, ' Obama '08.'
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.
