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Old 06-25-2008, 11:40 AM   #1
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Depression

I've been feeling pretty depressed the past few days, since I found an apartment in Kingston. I know I said that it was what I wanted, and it is, but Nick won't be joining me for at least a few months. Also, this is my home now, here with Nick. That is what's killing me, leaving the home him and I have built and starting fresh, alone, in a new job, a new city. Sleeping alone every weeknight is going to be awful - God Bless Katie, I can't even imagine how she is feeling right now - I haven't even eaten anything in two days. I don't want to do the things I normally do - not even playing computer games (which I love). I just have no desire for it right now. I haven't even been here to check up on things.

I need a better outlook on what I'm doing. I need a different view. I have to think differently about this or else I am going to fail miserably at my new job, because I'll be so depressed when I start next month, and my heart won't be in it... it will be back here, in Montreal, with Nick. My stomach has been in knots and I may be too blinded by love for my own good - but I can't help it.

I need advice, and a different way to look at the situation. Also, if anyone else is feeling depressed or whathave you, I am willing to listen.

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Old 06-25-2008, 11:49 AM   #2
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Sounds like you're in a real period of adjustment and your somber mood, while valid, will pass. You will still have all of the familiar people in your life plus the new friends you'll be making. And once you start a new job, that should be a welcome distraction, no?

It's good to talk about it though and not let it get you too in a funk. Maybe you need to bake something ;)
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Old 06-25-2008, 11:52 AM   #3
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all part of the process, and trust me, things will be fine.

I did the long distance thing for a year, after being with Carrie for 5 already, it makes the times you see one another even more better. And you will be surprised how fast the time goes by, you have a lot to take in being in a new environment, and that helps pass the time.

Keep your chin up, it will all come together for you.
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Old 06-25-2008, 11:53 AM   #4
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I know that a few months seems like a long long time when you are looking forward. Once you look backwards you notice how short of a time it really is.

I can not really offer you advice, but I can offer you support. I know that you will do great once you are in your new place and new job. It will be hard, but you are a smart woman and you will make it work. Before you know it Nick will be with you and those few months alone will be history.
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Old 06-25-2008, 11:54 AM   #5
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The thing to do is to look at the fact that this is a temporary situation. Nick will be there sooner than you think and you will start to build a new life together in Kingston. Moving to a new area is always stressful and being alone is hard too. Look at this time as an adventure. Explore the neighborhood. Find the cute little bistro, the great coffee place, the bakery. Visit churches on Sunday. Find the gym (if you like that sort of thing) and start meeting folks. Let them know you are new to the area and they will tell you all the neat things there are to do. You may even make a few friends. The upshot of all this is, don't sit around in your apartment feeling sorry for yourself because Nick is not there. Then when he gets there you can have the joy of sharing all the things you discovered and will discover even more with him. "AND IT CAME TO PASS," it didn't come to stay so remember that!
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Old 06-25-2008, 12:04 PM   #6
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Such kind words from all of you, I appreciate the support so much. I did long distance with Nick from Aug 2007 to January 2008 driving 3 1/2 hours one way every weekend to see him. It was hard during the week, because I wasn't with him, but also because I was tired from driving 850 km every weekend and rushing to get things done during the week - But I don't regret it for a MOMENT.

I know that if I keep myself busy I won't have time to dwell on the fact that he is not with me. Thank you for the suggestions jabbur.. I really appreciate them. I do plan on joining a gym a few blocks away. Another thing that bothers me is that when I left my ex almost two years ago, he was living three doors down from where I am moving into. I just hope he doesn't live there now.

My dad once told me "This too shall pass". I am trying to be positive, but I know how hard the next 3-5 months are going to be and I'm not happy about it... but it has to be done. I need to get back on my own two feet, and Nick needs to look for a job.
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Old 06-25-2008, 12:09 PM   #7
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In times of stress, I find it helpful to focus on what you have, instead of what you do not have. You joined DC about the same time as I did. You blended into the community well. That means that you can do it. You have the apartment that you want, you found a job after a long period of unemployment. You seem to have made do with little and gotten by (When life gave you lemons, you made lemonade).

While you were out of work, Nick came through for you, now it's your turn to come through for him and make a place for you to be together again.To make all of that work, you must succeed in your job. Don't be depressed, fe happy that you are making something good.

Does Nick need a new job, or can he just transfer what he has? If he needs a new job, you can lay some groundwork.

Cheer up! Focus on what is right and straight ahead.

AC


P. S. It helps to hae a safety valve, someone that you can say anything to and thwy will listen and accept and not find fault.
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Old 06-25-2008, 12:18 PM   #8
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I do have a friend like that, but she lives in my hometown and I can only call her. Once I move I will be able to drive the hour some evenings after work to see her and her kids.

Nick is waiting for his teaching license here in Quebec, which should be here next month. Then, he will need to forward it to the Ontario Teachers College in order to be certified in Ontario. That takes 4-8 weeks. I am hoping he will get a position fairly quickly after that happens. So it will be at least 3 months before he comes to join me.

The apartment I got will be cramped when he comes, but we will make do just as we have here. I had to get a smaller, cheaper apartment as I will only be making 33k, and would not be able to get a bigger place without him. But because I went for cheaper (I found a real gem that someone from a family member's work was renting out) I will be able to start saving money - something I have not been able to do since I moved out of my parents house over a year ago. I am making 10k more than what I was when I left my job in January to come to Montreal, and paying less for an apartment with internet included. In addition, this job is with an international financial institution - which means that after I am trained, I will have the credentials to work anywhere I want should I choose to. There are alot of good things about moving, but I am also leaving my love behind and leaving my home. I am making the most of the last few weeks we have to sleep in the same bed together.

Sorry for talking everyones ear off.
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Old 06-25-2008, 12:30 PM   #9
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I'm going to have a shower and make myself pretty.. and do my nails too.
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Old 06-25-2008, 12:42 PM   #10
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that's a great idea, saphellae! i love the same when i'm blue.
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Old 06-25-2008, 12:58 PM   #11
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Will read these after my bath cause expecting a phone call and have to concentrate on that for now. Want to post a few things though.

  • Mark only one day at a time in your minds' calendar. Today is the only day you need to worry about getting through.
  • Read this one thing and think on it.
  • Drink water, 1/2 cup, every time you feel blue, there are studies about that.
  • Take a power nap for 10 minutes, where you close your eyes, you're alone with no noise, where you can lull off.
  • Try to look up. Looking up gives you a feeling of positivity, not negativity. The sky is up there, the clouds are up there, the birds are up there. Looking down can make you feel down and appear down.
  • Sometimes looking at your own beautiful set of eyes in a mirror, for at least one minute, without looking away, lets you see the beauty that lies within. It also provides self assurance and because you're looking at 'you', it gives a feeling of "I know I can do this".
  • Pump up or add to, the color of your vegetables and fruits.
  • "Be not therefore anxious for the morrow: for the morrow will be anxious for itself."
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Old 06-25-2008, 01:04 PM   #12
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Saphellae, I know this will be hard for you, but we will support you. You really need to make yourself focus on things in smaller chunks. It will help. Go one day at a time if you have to, or if that is too overwhelming break it down further into hours. PM me if you want to talk and we can get on chat or IM each other. DON'T sabotage your new position by not focussing on your job though. Work hard sweetie, we're behind you.
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Old 06-25-2008, 01:22 PM   #13
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LEFSE, thank you. I know that I will be checking back on this thread daily when I move, even before I move.


Alix... your words are making me cry!! Thank you so much for your offer of support. You have a kind heart and we are all so lucky to have you around.
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Old 06-25-2008, 01:22 PM   #14
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I think people are too quick to declare them selves depressed, well if you are already depressed then of course you can’t succeed.

But I tell you what: you are NOT depressed! You are simply upset, you miss him, you not used to be by your self, but you are NOT depressed. Now you have room to get really upset like a half a year from now or so, but even then you’ll have ways before real depression will kick in.

Now that we figure out that you are not even really upset, just a little bit, let’s figure out what to do about your new work. You hate going home to empty house, you have all this extra time that you are rather not to be at home. Great, use it to get familiar with your new job, use it to adopt at work faster, your boss doesn’t even have to pay you for the over time you’d be working next couple of month until you get into the rhythm and environment of the new position, make sure to tell your boss that.
Now instead of failing you are on the A list with the new boss, he sees how hard you are trying, what a wonderful new employee you are, he is so happy he hired you, he says he’ll be looking into giving you a rise(sp?) earlier than he originally planned. Now all this encouragement at new work makes you feel even better about your decision of moving and taking new position. You are the happy person. A little bit sad, but definitely not depressed or anything like that.

Life is good.
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Old 06-25-2008, 01:33 PM   #15
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I took a job in Johannesburg (about 2 hours flight from Cape Town) 10 years ago - it was a 6 month contract and a great career opportunity. I absolutely dreaded leaving my home, Adrienne, my friends and family. If I think now - that month before leaving was actually more stressful than the time away (not that it was easy). It is often the fear of the unknown that's the worst. You'll do fine ! ! !
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Old 06-25-2008, 01:37 PM   #16
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Thanks Charlie, you helped me see the ways that I can succeed in my job while Nick is here.

I agree Tanya (you have the same name as I do) that the time before you leave, when you KNOW you'll be leaving and you think up the worst scenario possible when you do leave.. is the absolute worst. It will get better and I will at least be able to come back on weekends. I am scared of the unknown that I don't know how long it will take him to join me. It could be 3 months. It could be 6. We just don't know.
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Old 06-25-2008, 01:54 PM   #17
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Pampering yourself always makes you feel a bit better. Actually that sounds like a good idea for me! I do hope you start feeling perkier soon!! Keep smiling... your pretty face looks great with a smile!
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Old 06-25-2008, 01:55 PM   #18
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You are too sweet, Sattie. I'm going to step away from the computer for a couple of hours and get pretty, and make dinner.
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Old 06-25-2008, 02:03 PM   #19
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Nice to see such kind words of support.... and good advice from Charlie - put yourself into action and then you won't have time to entertain any insecurity you might have had... My father's favorite poem, and I believe the one thing of value he left to me... is called All This Shall Pass Away, by Theodore Tilton... if you have the time, paste this link.... very powerful message. Elfinspell: Theodore Tilton, All Things Shall Pass Away, poem from The Bibliophile Library of Literature, Art, & Rare Manuscripts; Vol. XVIII, 19th Century, English Poetry full text, Literature, non-fiction, (TiltonAllThings) online text

Good luck in your new adventures! Blessings... pot clanger
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Old 06-25-2008, 03:15 PM   #20
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Hi, I don't know if this will help, but DH and I were living apart for sometime, in different counties, and we tried to look on it as exciting. That whole thrill of dating again (in fact we kind of missed dating out at the beginning) but the fuss of getting ready, picking each other up at airports and stations etc with our bet clothes on, lol, it was fun and exciting (in between the hard times).

Anyhow, after lots of longing to be in the same country again we are, but can't afford a house to buy, so I'm living with my parents a couple of hours from where DH lodges to go to work, so we are still wekend dating! I get to cook special meals for him, without him seeing the prep, i get to spend weekend almost in another world, and the week drags but is filled with dreams off him and preparation for the next weekend. The bleak times do come of course, but its remembering to count your blessings and realise how lucky you are to have someone in your life you'll miss so much! I'd choose two days a week with my husband over 8 days a week with any other guy! I bet you would too. (I mean with your guy, not my husband lol).

Its not easy and its not choice (and there are a few people here who have listened to me rant and moan on and off about it when I feel less positive!) but its not forever and its not the end of the world.

Good luck, cheer up, and like Charlie said, fill your time with good stuff.
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