Thinking of everyone going through grieving and health problems!
Addie, how did you do?
I was in shock during the wake and funeral. Don't remember much of that. My daughter died on a Friday, and it was a holiday weekend. So her body wasn't autopsied until Tuesday, and they released her body on Wednesday. Funeral next day. Then I had five kids that arrangements needed to be made. No time for grief. I took the oldest and we got the other four into homes. By then I was over the shock. I had a couple of nights in my room of hard sobbing alone. I had my oldest granddaughter and I didn't want to upset her. That was a mistake. You need to reach out and share your grief. I not only had my own, but hers too to deal with. I had to try and help her also.
We tried a counseling group. Not for us. They were mostly elderly widows. Certainly not for a 15 y.o. So I called a private clinic and told them the problem and why I wanted my GD to get help. I was not doing a good job of helping her. She agreed to go.
Without even seeing her, knowing nothing about her medical history, they immediately called Walgreen's and left a prescription for a strong tranquilizer.
I was so angry. I never picked up the medicine and didn't make an appointment for her. I knew this wasn't going to be the right place for her. So we muddled through. She had a cat named Sasha that she told everything to. I would stand outside her room and listen to her. And I broke the cardinal rule. I found her diary and read it. I needed to know. It gave me a reason to talk to her about her mother. We had a few sessions where we both cried out hearts out together. Great therapy. Eventually we reached the point where I could tell her funny stories about her mother when she was a child. She loved hearing them.
She was having a hard time in school. She had always been a straight A student. You know how kids say, "Oh I hate my mother. I wish she was dead." Every time she heard that she would break down enough that the school would send her home. So I arranged for home schooling for her. She finished her 11th and 12th grade and graduated with a straight A (4.0) average.
In a way having her and having to help her through this hard time was my salvation. It kept my mind off my own grief. You know how they tell you to keep busy? Well it works. I took a year off from working. Between unemployment and her welfare and SS check from her mother's account, we made it work. I tried going back to work about two weeks after the funeral. I was sitting next to a woman whose husband had cancer and she was talking about how he was expected to die. I couldn't handle it. So I decided to take time off from working.
Her death, and knowing she was murdered was hard on the whole family. My oldest daughter lost all her hair from the shock. How do you pick up the phone and let the rest of the family know? They were the hardest phone calls I have ever made. All I can say is I am so glad that there is no family feuds in our family. When something happens to one of us, the whole family pulls together. I have always told my kids, "Remember, you don't want to live with the "if onlies." If only I had told her I love her,. If only I had helped her .... Eventually we all reached that point where we could talk about her without breaking down. Our favorite time to tell stories is around a holiday table. She died in May and by Thanksgiving, we were telling stories about her. Four of her kids came to dinner that year and they loved hearing about her. It was therapy for all of us.
It has been 14 years since her death. I still have moments and so does the rest of the family. Specially around the anniversay or her birthday. But we learned not ot dwell on it too long. This year was not a good year for me. Who knows? Next year maybe better come April and May.
Talking about the person and telling funny stories is great therapy. Like they say, "Laughter is the best medicine."
Sorry this is so wordy.