Just need someone to talk to...

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Skittle68

Sous Chef
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Duluth, MN
This has nothing to do with cooking, but I can't go on Facebook, because my boyfriend, who I want to talk about, would see it. So I like to drink, and my boyfriend doesn't. He refuses to go out with me, so every month or so I go out without him, and since I'm by myself, I'm left to fend for myself for rides or whatever. Several months ago I wasn't ok to drive and I couldn't find a ride so I stayed on a (male) friend's couch. My boyfriend got very angry, but supposedly forgave me. He has brought it up randomly about once a month since then, so he obviously doesn't want to let me forget about it. For the first time in a year, it's made me wonder if maybe I would be better off single. Forgiveness is really important to me. I wonder how he would react if I brought up something dumb he did a long time ago every month or so. I just need to talk to someone about it. Little help?
 

NAchef

Sous Chef
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581
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Utah
It may be something dumb to you but it may be a big trust issue for him. Why didn't you call your bf to pick you up that night?

The best thing to do is sit down and talk about it, lay all issues out on the table and work them out.
 

Bolas De Fraile

Executive Chef
Joined
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Skittle if your boyfriend got drunk and stayed overnight in a girlfriends house how would you react.
Ps dont they have Taxi's where you live.
 

Andy M.

Certified Pretend Chef
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49,810
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You and boyfriend need to sit down and talk things out. Your differences and how to handle them going forward, your past acts, everything. Then you both need to assess whether or not you can live with the others habits.
 

Skittle68

Sous Chef
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He doesn't have a phone. And yes there are taxis, but it would be about $20 to get to where we live. We have talked about it. He has brought up the same thing. I wouldn't like it if he stayed on some girls couch. He's brought that up too, but I would forgive him and not throw it in his face all the time...
 

NAchef

Sous Chef
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Utah
You never know what you would do until it happens to you. Again, you have to talk or it won't get better.


On a side note my ex. wife used to go out "dancing & drinking" a bit, I said it was ok as it was something she liked. A couple years later I found out she had been sleeping around with many people, which is why she is now my ex.

He obviously has some trust issues that was not made any better by what happened.
Just like Andy said "can you live with the others habits" Talk with him and let each other know what you expect.

Good luck!
 

CraigC

Master Chef
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Jan 27, 2011
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IMO, drinkers and non-drinkers don't make for lasting relationships.

Craig
 

Alix

Everymom
Moderator Emeritus
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IMO, drinkers and non-drinkers don't make for lasting relationships.

Craig

-1. My husband is a strict NON drinker and I drink when I wish to do so. Been together for almost 20 years now and going strong.

This is not about drinking or not drinking though. It is, as folks have already suggested, about trust and about making concessions to one another in your relationship. He wouldn't keep bringing it up if it didn't bother him. You clearly hurt him and there is some trust that needs rebuilding. Whether you did anything wrong or not is immaterial. He is feeling hurt by your actions. He's bringing it up because he is afraid you are going to hurt him again. It appears the ball is in your court, you are going to have to show him he can trust you. Have that conversation everyone is encouraging you to have and really listen to what he tells you.

I would also suggest you chat with a close girlfriend as sometimes things are lost in text. Good luck and I wish you well.
 

CraigC

Master Chef
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-1. My husband is a strict NON drinker and I drink when I wish to do so. Been together for almost 20 years now and going strong.

This is not about drinking or not drinking though. It is, as folks have already suggested, about trust and about making concessions to one another in your relationship. He wouldn't keep bringing it up if it didn't bother him. You clearly hurt him and there is some trust that needs rebuilding. Whether you did anything wrong or not is immaterial. He is feeling hurt by your actions. He's bringing it up because he is afraid you are going to hurt him again. It appears the ball is in your court, you are going to have to show him he can trust you. Have that conversation everyone is encouraging you to have and really listen to what he tells you.

I would also suggest you chat with a close girlfriend as sometimes things are lost in text. Good luck and I wish you well.

Do you drink to the stage that the OP stated, to the point of being greatly impaired? Needing to put yourself in a situation where trust comes into question. As I said it was my opinion.:)

Craig
 

Skittle68

Sous Chef
Joined
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882
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Duluth, MN
CraigC said:
Do you drink to the stage that the OP stated, to the point of being greatly impaired? Needing to put yourself in a situation where trust comes into question. As I said it was my opinion.:)

Craig

Two drinks is my limit for driving. If I might be over the legal limit I won't risk it. I was pretty impaired that night, but not being able to drive does not necessarily equal drinking in excess.

Anyway, thank you alix, that was very helpful.
 

Alix

Everymom
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Do you drink to the stage that the OP stated, to the point of being greatly impaired? Needing to put yourself in a situation where trust comes into question. As I said it was my opinion.:)

Craig

Craig, your statement did not reference anything about trust whatsoever, it stated merely that drinkers and non drinkers did not have lasting relationships. Your opinion is duly noted. Mine, as I stated, is different.

Skittle, I think if you care for each other enough to be this hurt, you care enough to work through this bumpy patch. Again, best wishes my friend!
 

Luvabigdog

Cook
Joined
Feb 18, 2011
Messages
89
I drink wine every day and my family business is a vineyard and winery. My wife, who is from Russia, does not drink because her father was abusive with alcohol. We get along great.

I think lumping people into categories is foolish. Drinkers, non-drinkers, non-smokers, etc.

You're BF is obviously jealous. I'm extremely jealous of my wife. I know it would take me a long time to forget something like that. Does not mean I would not forgive.....I just would not forget. Right now he has ammunition against you and will probably continue to use it for a little while. He has probably already forgiven you.....but he needs to hang onto this for a little while. I probably would also. Does not mean it is the right thing to do, but he's doing it now.

I think talking about it will help....but you'll end up going in a circle. The way it sounds is that he will hang onto it for a little while and probably continue to bring it up in the future. If you refuse to let him "beat you up" with that scenario, he's probably stop bringing it up. I know I would.

If you truly love one to the other.....this will pass. Look down the long road.
 

Somebunny

Executive Chef
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Messages
2,536
Location
Blaine, Washington
I think Alix and Loveabigdog have you on the right track Skittle. If this relationship is really important to you, and it sounds like it is....then give it some time. Time and talk are great healers :)
 

Kayelle

Chef Extraordinaire
Joined
Mar 17, 2010
Messages
14,789
Location
south central coast/California
This has nothing to do with cooking, but I can't go on Facebook, because my boyfriend, who I want to talk about, would see it. So I like to drink, and my boyfriend doesn't. He refuses to go out with me, so every month or so I go out without him, and since I'm by myself, I'm left to fend for myself for rides or whatever. Several months ago I wasn't ok to drive and I couldn't find a ride so I stayed on a (male) friend's couch. My boyfriend got very angry, but supposedly forgave me. He has brought it up randomly about once a month since then, so he obviously doesn't want to let me forget about it. For the first time in a year, it's made me wonder if maybe I would be better off single. Forgiveness is really important to me. I wonder how he would react if I brought up something dumb he did a long time ago every month or so. I just need to talk to someone about it. Little help?

Skittle the sentence in red says it all, and maybe he would be better off single too. I'm not saying that to be hurtful to you.. Just my old fashioned opinion, that people who are committed to each other don't leave their loved one at home to go out and party alone, let alone stay out overnight with someone. You are leading the life of a single, and I'm sure that is his legitimate objection. In my opinion he is not being unreasonable.
I truly wish both of you well. :flowers:
 

babetoo

Chef Extraordinaire
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
Messages
14,336
Location
escondido, calif. near san diego
i agree with craig. i tried a relationship when i didn't drink and he did. i became disgusted with how he behaved when he drank. it was a deal breaker. i didn't mind a couple of drinks but he would stop off after work when more than likely i was holding dinner. if a cocktail at home is not enough for you, you would be better off single. just thank goodness you are not married to him.
 

PattY1

Washing Up
Joined
Jul 12, 2008
Messages
2,325
I drink wine every day and my family business is a vineyard and winery. My wife, who is from Russia, does not drink because her father was abusive with alcohol. We get along great.

I think lumping people into categories is foolish. Drinkers, non-drinkers, non-smokers, etc.

You're BF is obviously jealous. I'm extremely jealous of my wife. I know it would take me a long time to forget something like that. Does not mean I would not forgive.....I just would not forget. Right now he has ammunition against you and will probably continue to use it for a little while. He has probably already forgiven you.....but he needs to hang onto this for a little while. I probably would also. Does not mean it is the right thing to do, but he's doing it now.

I think talking about it will help....but you'll end up going in a circle. The way it sounds is that he will hang onto it for a little while and probably continue to bring it up in the future. If you refuse to let him "beat you up" with that scenario, he's probably stop bringing it up. I know I would.

If you truly love one to the other.....this will pass. Look down the long road.


Insecurities and Control Issues fly that RED FLAG high. The need to keep drudging up the past is "DIRTY FIGHTING" and is NOT acceptable.
 

PattY1

Washing Up
Joined
Jul 12, 2008
Messages
2,325
Skittle the sentence in red says it all, and maybe he would be better off single too. I'm not saying that to be hurtful to you.. Just my old fashioned opinion, that people who are committed to each other don't leave their loved one at home to go out and party alone, let alone stay out overnight with someone. You are leading the life of a single, and I'm sure that is his legitimate objection. In my opinion he is not being unreasonable.
I truly wish both of you well. :flowers:

Just because two people are in a committed relationship, it does not mean that they should be attached at the hip!!!:wacko:
 
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